Ugh

This blog has been very inactive lately. Mostly because I'm lazy, but also because I like to keep things light and funny and I just haven't been feeling all that funny.
This patrol is going to suck ass. There are no two ways about it. It is what it is. For one, it's happening on the holidays, which sucks already, but the holidays also happens to be on my birthday and our anniversary which makes for some pretty depressing birthday. I'm trying to make the best of it. We did christmas for the kids before he left and there's even an FRG get together on new years eve, so I can at least have something to do on my birthday. Yes, my birthday is new years eve, and no it is not fun.
But that's not all! Oh no, not at all. My seven year old is going to have all three of her dance competitions while he's out which means me, alone, with all three kids doing that. Good times!
But the worst absolute hands down reason why this patrol sucks ass and I have zero hope for improvement is (be prepared, this is a real bummer) my older brother committed suicide this thanksgiving. Not just died, committed suicide, and it's really a hard thing to wrap my head around. I've even started another blog just for dealing with it, but I don't know if I'll publish most of those posts because I don't want to hurt family. Mostly I'm just angry at him, which doesn't make me love him or miss him an iota less, but if I aired that out to where, say, his kids can see it, it could cause some damage to them and I do love them. I think what hurts right now is knowing that if he can see all the damage he's done I can just picture his big goofily sheepish grin as he says "oops, I fucked up" yeah, you did. Big time. But that's not the blog for here.
The blog for here goes something like this "must...make it.... to the end... of this fucking patrol!" And so I shall. I'll try to write more here and keep it lighter, but we'll see how that goes.